中考英語(yǔ)寫作精彩點(diǎn)評(píng)與修改一

　　作文題目：

　　五晚你父母都出去了，只有爺爺和你在家，你在客廳里看電視而爺爺在他屋里看報(bào)紙。突然你聽到爺爺屋里有什么動(dòng)靜，當(dāng)你推開房門，驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)爺爺正躺在地上，失去了知覺。于是你立即撥打了120。然后讓爺爺平躺，打開了窗戶。就在這時(shí)醫(yī)生來(lái)了。一位醫(yī)生說你做的對(duì)，救了爺爺?shù)拿�。�?qǐng)根據(jù)提示以"An Unforgettable Night"為題，寫一篇80字左右的短文。

　　作文修改如下：

　　先表?yè)P(yáng)一下：內(nèi)容都寫到位了，關(guān)鍵在于組織。

　　急需改進(jìn)的地方：

　　1.正確的語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)。

　　2.幾個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單合并成復(fù)雜句

　　3前后句子的連貫性。

　　4一定要分段。

　　I have an unforgettable night on last Friday. Because I saved my grandpa’s life. (I had an unforgettable night last Friday because I saved my grandpa's life.)

　　Last Friday, my parents were not at home, and I watched TV in living room. My grandpa was watch newspaper in his room. (將幾個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單句合并更好一些，可以寫成：My parents were not in on the very night. I was watching TV in the living room while my grandpa was reading newspaper in his bedroom.)When I walked in his room, I find he had lost consciousness. (最好用雙賓語(yǔ)結(jié)構(gòu)：find sb doing sth.可以寫成：When I walked into his room, I found him lying on the ground and lost his consciousness.) So I immediately called 120, put he lay and opened the window. (不成句子，是個(gè)硬傷�？梢詫懗桑篧ithout hesitation, after putting him on the bed and opening the window, I immediately called 120.) In this time, doctor came. A doctor said I had a good job, and I saved my grandpa’s life. (將幾個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單句合并更好一些，可以寫成：At last, the doctor arrived, who told me that I had done a good job of saving my grandpa's life.)

　　What an unforgettable Friday!!

　　(What an unforgettable night!)

　　恭喜你能堅(jiān)持寫完，并能看完這篇被我修改的文章。這樣的人不多，你是這個(gè)班第二個(gè)這么做的，所以我要對(duì)你說：你很棒！能想象你以后很牛很牛的的樣子。繼續(xù)努力！

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